They’re Heeee-re! The books, the first pilgrims, and the boring haters.
The books arrived this morning. Fifty of them. Ready to be delivered into the hungry little hands and curious minds of my fellow Olympians. They smell delicious. This weekend (March 30th) I’ll be making “Accidental Initiations: In The Kabbalistic Tree Of Olympia” available for the first time locally when I host The Blackberry Bushes and Dead Winter Carpenters at The Olympia Ballroom; a haunted venue featured in the book. We’re expecting some paranormal researchers from Bremerton to document the event, and I’ll even be slinging a couple of Radio8Ball divinations. I can’t imagine a better coming out party for my magickally-intended little tome.
This week has seen several visitors to Olympia. They came to ooh and ah over my galley copy of the book and walk The Tree. Dan Bern came through on his way to play a gig in Seattle. Brinke Stevens; my old cast-mate from Sorority Babes In The Slimeball Bowl-A-Rama, and our mutual friend/fan; Rhonda Baughman, came for a visit, stayed at Fertile Ground and enjoyed their sojourn in The Tree. They all seemed moved by the experience and full of optimism that many more intrepid seekers will be drawn to this artifact in the coming months and years. Dan envisioned Olympia turning into a northwestern Sedona, complete with a floating vortex casino, Kabballah ballrooms, and lots of nick-nack shops selling maps of The Tree and, of course, copies of my book. It sounds a bit nightmare-ish to me, but also kind of awesome. That’s the way Dan’s poetic mind has always worked.
The boring haters showed up in between the pilgrims and the books. A couple of days ago, one of the characters from AI; Merwyn Haskett, walked out of its pages and took center stage on the Amazon review boards. He was the first to leave a testimonial. You can read it, and the corresponding kerfuffle, on my Amazon book page (while purchasing a copy or two in solidarity?). I just want to talk about the title of his review here. I have co-opted it as the title of this post.
“A Narcissistic Misogynist with a Persecution Complex”
While this kind of dramatic labeling of those we disagree with is nothing new in Olympia, in fact, it’s one of the negative patterns I take aim at in my book; I think we can have some fun dissecting the particular branding being directed at me and my book by Mr. Haskett.
It is true. Accidental Initiations is a deeply narcissistic book. It’s basically just me writing about myself and the things that have happened to me in and around The Kabbalistic Tree of Olympia. When I’m not talking about myself I’m sharing my thoughts about the world. There is almost no listening in my book whatsoever. Just pages and pages of me writing. Perhaps if I had left some pages blank it would have created more room for others to express themselves. Now my oppressed readers have to write in the margins, or post on Amazon, if they want to get a word in edgewise. How do other writers solve this conundrum?
As for being a misogynist; it’s hard to prove a negative. I know I don’t consciously hate women. I suppose that, just like I could be a deeply closeted gay man, even though I’ve never had sex with a man and don’t plan to; I could be a very repressed misogynist who only thinks he loves and admires women as mentors, allies, friends, collaborators, sisters, and potential lovers. Misogyny is a pretty intense label. The hatred of women? I mean, sometimes I hate everyone. We all have our bad days. Sometimes I get annoyed at certain women, and even at some general patterns of behavior that some women fall into, such as, I don’t know, expecting men to pay for stuff, or having to pee all the time, but it certainly doesn’t rise to the level of hatred. There is an interesting question here. Will misogynists find comfort in my book? I would be surprised if they did. If I am a misogynist it’s a particularly femme-y goddess-loving brand of misogyny. Not exactly something Rush Limbaugh’s going to go for.
Now, when Merwyn says I have a persecution complex he is right. I got it from being persecuted. I was raised by people who were persecuted in Europe and America; as Jews and as Communists. This kind of thing shapes the way a person views the world, leading to a potentially more complex understanding of persecution than those who have been raised without the fear of genocides and blacklists informing the parenting they receive. Some of the things that have happened to me personally, first as a child in the Olympia school system, and then as an adult living in Olympia – things I write about in AI, have felt oppressive. Radio8Ball being taken off the air and lied about by KAOS administrators is a ready example, or the way Merwyn and his wife, Tammy, led a campaign of harassment against me that she confesses to in my book. There is even something persecutorial about Merwyn’s name-calling review, clearly posted with the intent of scaring people, particularly women, away from my book.
When Tammy T initially got in touch with me to try and make things right, eventually leading to the confession that lives at the center of AI, she told me she was doing so behind Merwyn’s back; I assume because he is the one who has a hard-on for me. And not in the good way. He has a long history of lashing out and posting negative things about me online; just like he’s doing with his review. I seriously doubt Tammy would have gotten into any of the mischief she confesses to in my book if he hadn’t goaded her into it, which is why she couldn’t tell him she was racked with guilt and needed, for her own sake, to make peace with me. For this reason, I’m kind of glad he outed himself this week. I really downplayed his role in AI because I didn’t want to invest any more energy in his direction than I had to. The truth is; he is a huge part of my accidental initiation, in that during the entirety of my practice with The Tree he has worked in the office directly across the street from The Capitol Lake dam, right before the Chokmah Mound. His offices used to be an old-school Kentucky Fried Chicken I loved to go to with my father when I was chicken-eating child. Now it’s some kind of administrative building and Merwyn is the receptionist, with a clear view of the lake from his desk. Every time I descend the stairs, after “emptying my cup” into the vortex/abyss, he is waiting there for me. I am very aware of him. I assume he sees me, has seen me over the years. Perhaps he has even wondered what I am up to (What’s he building in there?). Part of my meditation is to forgive him. It has to be. Otherwise I’d be consumed with hatred, and all my good work would be for naught. I’ve come to appreciate the influence his presence has had in deepening my practice with The Tree, and in developing my own reserves of wisdom and mercy. Don’t get me wrong. I would still like to punch him in the face. I just don’t allow myself to gnaw on that particular brain bone for very long before breathing it out.
I’ve been telling people that, if “Accidental Initiations” were a movie, the end of the book would only be the end of the second act. The third act begins now, and with it, a star is born! Originally cast in a minor role, Merwyn Haskett, has distinguished himself as a major player; the epitome of the boring hater. Who do you think should play him in the movie?
Note: I know it’s a tad hypocritical for me to take Merwyn to task for labeling me, and then cast him as a “boring hater”. I hope this is mitigated by the fact that, rather than inaccurately branding him as an anti-semite or an abusive boyfriend, labels which carry the sting of history. The label of “boring hater” is fresh and made up especially by me for him and his ilk. Also, it’s accurate. He is clearly a hater and I am unaware of him ever creating anything beautiful, just shitting on those who do. He’s already less boring to me now than he was before I wrote this.
Yay ART!
Andras will be on the Type1lounge this Saturday 1pm (PST)
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/type1lounge/2012/03/31/type-1-radio-loungewith-andras-jones
Oops. Cut off there. Here it is continued…we’re almost done.
First, when I saw some posters for Radio8Ball at KAOS, I tore them down on more than one occasion, simply because it hurt me to look at them. I was thinking of myself and my own pain, and did not take into account that by removing your posters, I was cheating others out of the opportunity to take part in your show.
Around this time, after an article about your show appeared in a Seattle newspaper, I’m ashamed to say that (again, due to my own hurt and conflicted feelings) I sent some really scary and threatening e-mails to you from a dummy acount, in which I called you names like “fucking asshole” and (even worse) took a cheap shot at your girlfriend (who was always nice to me) by referring to her as a “whore”.
Meanwhile, while you still had no idea that I was behind these two actions, I asked you if I could write a blog about my experiences on the show. You gave me your approval, but you probably had no idea what it would turn into. I’m not sure that I even knew what it would turn into, but let’s just say that the blogging led to several serious repurcussions for you. I may have began the blog with (what I thought) were good intentions, but eventually it turned into an 80 page saga. My biggest mistake in writing this blog is that I made no attempt to hide you or the show’s identity. As I proceeded with the blog, it took on a much more spiteful tone. You asked me to take it down, but I refused to do so.
One night, I finally confessed to tearing down your posters. You told me that you had had enough, and asked me to stay away from you and the show. It wasn’t an unreasonable request, but my state of mind at the time caused me to react to this news even worse than when you first asked to take a break.
My then boyfriend witnessed my anguished, devastated reaction, and in response he posted a much shorter blog about you. It was simply a picture of your face and the words “ANDRAS JONES – THE BIGGEST ASSHOLE IN OLYMPIA.” He did take the blog down reasonably quickly but it shouldn’t have gone up in the first place (and probably would not have if he did not feel he had to protect me due to my conflicted emotional state. Unfortunately, word of his blog spread quickly around Olympia, and I know that you (and many other people) saw it before it was removed.
All of this blogging only created further tension, as I know our blogs inspired many friends and fellow KAOS colleagues to contact you with questions, criticisms and, in some cases, outright hostility. Still, I continued blogging until May, and once I was finished, I continued to refuse to take it down.
I understand now that the combination of my blog, the calls and e-mails from my friends, and my vandalizing your posters must have given you the impression that I had quite a posse out to get you. Although it was all much more haphazard and emotional than that, I can see now that this situation must have been terrifying for you, which, I believe, is why you contacted the administrators at KAOS about this harrassment.
At one point, I was asked by KAOS General Manager Jerry Drummond about my blog and I told him where to find it. I do not know which staff members actually read it but nobody at the station asked me to take the blog down or to stop harrassing you (possibly because, even if they had read it, I did not disclose the full extent of my actions). If somebody had spoken to me I would have stopped.
Instead, I continued to target you. One night, when I was at The Brotherhood Tavern, some friends and I sat around drinking and noticed that your show was mentioned in The Stranger. We decided to write comments along the lines of “ANDRAS JONES IS SEXIST ASSHOLE” above the advertisements inside several of these magazines and then merely left the stack of magazines back in the pile. At the time, we thought this was funny. I can see now that it was an example of the pattern of harrassment that you were contacting KAOS management about.
After you lost your show at KAOS, yet another action I took involved contacting an organization that you were working with and (out of a misguided sense of fear) filing a complaint against you. This was a mistake, as it could have resulted in damaging your reputation and (ironically, though I believed at the time that I was protecting my own reputation) probably did damage mine, as I realize now that was a case of “jumping the gun.”
Eventually, we ended up in court. I felt justified at filing a restrainining order against you, but the judge said (probably rightfully) that such an order was a waste of her and the court’s time.
I still don’t know why I felt justified in treating you like this. I was going through some personal conflicts, and perhaps misreading and misunderstanding some communication, but in through there is no excuse or justification for engaging in any form of harassment or terror against a person. Mostly, I am sad that I waited this long to come clean about everything that I did to you.
I can’t imagine how I might react if I were on the receiving end of the actions that I took toward you. I know I would have certainly felt threatened. I don’t know how it must have felt to you but my guess is that it must have created a very scary, ongoing feeling of (possibly sexual) harrassment.
Why am I writing this now? Because I want peace. I want peace for myself but mostly I want peace for you. I learned a lot from you when we were working together. Despite the akwardness that was so often present (due, in large part, I’m sure, to my emails) you were in many ways very supportive and kind to me. There is no excuse for the reaction you received after you let me go for your show. I do believe that, by not admitting the full truth or speaking to managers about the situation myself, I might have helped to create an environment which led to your dismissal from the station.
I am hoping that when people at Evergreen and/or KAOS read this they will re-examine your case and, even if they don’t, I think it is important that you know the truth. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me.
Sincerely,
Tamara Tillinghast
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And my response from February 12th
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Tammy,
Thank you. This should work. There are a couple of typos and I think it is best to just leave the part about our time in court out of it.
Are you free to exchange our letters on Tuesday?
Andras Jones!
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What followed was a series of e-mail in which she sent me a final edited version of her confession on February 15th (re-printed in Accidental Initiations) and we made a plan to meet for her to sign it on February 16th at Batdorff & Bronson in downtown Olympia. I was drained by this whole process and was ready for this part to be over. When Tammy arrived she informed me that she was still uncomfortable about signing the letter and wanted a few more days to think about it.
Merwyn (who wasn’t there) has recently described this interaction thusly:
If Mr. Jones was an honorable man committed to sharing the truth with his readers, he would have included the part where he presented his version of the letter to Tammy at a local Olympia coffeeshop, and that when she refused to sign it he screamed at her that she was ****ed while waving his fist (the same sort of behavior and action that got him banned from KAOS and Evergreen.)
Tammy’s memory of the events (as recounted on my Amazon review page) goes like this:
I never did sign Jones’s version of the letter; he elaborated and exaggerated to the point of trying to pass off the feud between us as a “sexual harrassment” case, which was completely unfounded (and, frankly, ridiculous). After we met at a coffeehouse in February 2010 and I asked for a few more days to consider signing the letter, Jones screamed swear words at me, threatened me, and raised his fist before he stormed away; these actions were similar to the allegations of violence that resulted in his ban from the Evergreen campus two years earlier. (I have not seen Andras in person since, nor did I make any attempt to contact him until he contacted me right after this book was published; however, a few weeks after the coffeehouse incident, in response to a comment written by my husband in an online forum that angered him, Jones sent my husband a message threatening to “make Tammy suffer” if my husband didn’t knock it off.)
With each passing day, this event seems to be being built up by these two as some kind of grounds for the years of harassment that preceded it. My memory of that day is that, yes, when Tammy told me she needed more time to think about signing her confession. I told her that this was “fucked”. I may have clenched my fist when I said it. I did not scream, and if I threatened her, as she claims, the only threat was that I was going to use what she had already written to me to get my show back. As far as the e-mail to Merwyn threatening to “make Tammy suffer” I don’t have that e-mail but I know that my contention to him has always been that his actions to protect his girlfriend only served to create more suffering for her.
Here is what I wrote to Tammy after this meeting went poorly.
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Subject Heading: I can’t believe you
Tammy.
You say you want peace but you continue to torture and harass me. I am sorry that I do not have more time to waste while you decide if you feel OK about actually committing to the peace making process. I need to put this to rest and I was hoping to do it in a way which made you look good. This is how I have approached this conflict from the beginning; trying to protect both of us from your viciousness and your cowardice.
Do not read this as a threat. I do not threaten. I am just telling you that if we don’t do this together you are the one who is going to look very bad.
Someday soon you are going to wake up and regret choosing to continue to make me the enemy when I am your victim. Someone in your position should maybe think a little bit more clearly about what they want to take to bed with them.
You still have the opportunity to sign the letter and show some solidarity with me but I am forwarding your copies to my mother tonight and they will probably be in people’s hands by the end of the week.
Andras Jones
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Can you say “ugh”? I hope this makes things clearer and puts an end to Tammy’s claims of not writing the confession. If so, it should make people question the other things she is saying about me. Now, please try and forgive me for dragging you into this drama.
I recommend drinking a glass of water, taking a deep breath of air, feeling the ground beneath your feet, and reminding yourself that, in spite of all evidence to the contrary, everything is exactly as it should be.
That’s what I’m going to do.
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This has sincerely intrigued me, and I plan to buy the book on Amazon.
Oh, and the Rush Limbaugh line was excellent!